"Kevin, Kevin, Kevin..." said the man with a slow shake of his head, a lengthy sigh tagged on to the words.
"Hey, what's up, Paul Blart." Kevin said with a groan as he pushed himself upwards from his prone position, his eyes squinted against the light, his lips smacking together dryly.
"Dude, would you show a little respect for the badge? Come on, man. I hate that shit." the security guard said as he helped lift Kevin to his feet. "What the hell happened to you, anyway? You're sleeping in a parking lot, man. Where's your cab?"
"You wouldn't believe it, man. I was talking to Trina, right? And that Frank fucker..."
"Her boyfriend?"
"Yeah, that's the guy. Anyway, he shows up, says we need to talk, and we go to this bar, right? Well I slip something in his drink...no, don't worry, slipped it into mine, too. Just something to ease the tension. So anyway, he gets all emotional and shit. He's all 'You need to stop being such an asshole to your sister' and I'm all 'What do you know about it, punk?' and he's all 'You two are the only family you got, man.' and I'm all 'Tell that to our parents, Holmes' and he's all 'You know they don't talk to either one of you anymore' and I'm all 'then you go be their friend, Dr. Phil' and he's all....something. Anyway, he left, right? All mopey and shit. And so there I am, talking to this chick. She's all 'whats your name?' and I was all 'Puddin' tame, ask me again I'll tell you the..."
"Kevin! Get to the point, man."
"Oh, right. Well, remember when I said I put something in my drink? Well, it sure wasn't Viagra, because, like, I was trying, I wanted to, but...little man just didn't feel like coming to the party. Too busy playing X-Box or some shit."
"You couldn't get it up." Dave said with a smirk, then a grin, then a genuine laugh. "You dumbass."
"Fuck off, Barney Fife! I don't know. I tried, right, and she was talking shit, but then I passed out or something, because next thing I knew, I was dreaming."
"Is this the one about Richard Moll again?"
"No, fucker! I'm trying to tell a story here. So, like, I'm there, right? But I'm not. I'm this big ass wolf, barking and growling at the chick, and she's all screaming and hitting me with pepper spray, and kicking me in the face and shit. And I wanted to tell her that she shouldn't be so cruel to animals, like PETA or some shit, but I couldn't say nothin, man. Just more growling."
"Have you thought about some sort of...head shrinker, man? I have weird dreams too, but..."
"Shut the fuck up, man. And put on less Axe. The chicks ain't gonna dig you any more if you smell like you bathe in the shit. So, anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted by my social worker here, the chick runs away, all screaming and spraying that mother fucking pepper spray behind her. I chase her for a bit, but then I get hungry. And, like, there's this big fountain with swans and ducks and shit. Like the one here. So I..."
"Dude, are you sure you didn't actually see this? You were dreaming?"
"I told you it was a dream, man. The fuck are you talking about? And find me my shades, man. Or turn down the sun. Fuck."
"Well something was here last night. Slaughtered two of the swans, and at least one duck. Dunno, there were feathers and blood and shit. So, wait. If you just passed out on the girl after not getting it up..." Dave snickered lightly, Kevin slugged him in the arm. "...what's with all the blood on your shirt?"
Kevin looked down, examining himself, a hand lifted to his nose and scalp, feeling for any wounds. "I dunno, man. Maybe she hit me in the nose or somethin. I think she really did spray me with the pepper spray, because my eyes feel like they just saw your mom naked...ow! Fucker!"
"Well, look, you better go, man. Looking like that and all. My boss is pretty mad, says he'll be looking through security footage or something. These weren't just kids messing around. But hey, come by later with a dime, would you? This week's starting to drag."
"Yeah, man. If I can find the cab. Fuck, I should stop doing this." Kevin said, rubbing his head as he finally found his sunglasses, sliding them over his eyes. "Crazy fucking dreams."
