I'm living in New Orleans now, in fucking Louisiana. I mean it's not so bad right now but I know it's gonna get like really hot. Weird stuff has happened and it kind of sucks but whatever. I don't know. Then there's fucking Milo and Otis - I swear to God that was a movie I watched when I was a kid. You know, with the little puppy and kitten or something? I can't remember which was which.
I brought like this shoebox full of pictures down with me and I guess I should like put them somewhere so they don't stay in the fucking shoebox forever, because fuck knows what was in there before.
So, this is me. I'm Alex Black.
And this is me like back when I had black hair, and I'm thinking of dying it back again. I think Theo took this picture, I'll put one of him in here in a second.
Anyway, this is my older brother, Theo. Sometimes I do really stupid shit and he's usually there to bail me out if I need it. He's the reason I'm down here in the first place, he moved down first and got a job and all. I mean, I had to finish high school anyway but that was a while ago and he was just moving all the fuck over the place until he ended up here. We just dyed his hair, too, but like just the top of it. Now that I think about it it looks kinda weird but whatever.
And the other one is Theo back in fucking high school, at least when we were going to a private high school. He would probably kill me if he knew I had this but what-the-fuck-ever. He actually needed glasses back before all this shit happened to us. I haven't seen him wear them since, except when he was still going to school because I guess everyone expected to see him wearing them. I can't believe we had to wear those uniforms. I don't even know what the fuck was up with his hair back then.
Anyway, we play in a band, The Killjoys, and we're pretty fucking awesome at least I think so. So this is us, in the band. I think this was a couple nights ago but I don't even remember now, show nights just all kind of blurr together for me. We're playing another show soon, I think.
Anyway I guess that's it for now, I probably shouldn't just fill this thing up all right away. I don't even really know what the fuck to write in here. I draw, and I don't write except for our songs and stuff. Whatever.
-- Edited by ALEX BLACK on Thursday 17th of March 2011 06:02:45 PM
I'm about to put a picture in here of the rarest thing ever, okay? Okay. Brace yourself, whoever might be reading this in the future or whatever.
Theo Black, smiling:
I know, right? I mean, there's a chance if you find this thing you'd probably know me or my brother, and Theo never fucking smiles. Not in front of people, anyway, I see it all the time. Sorta.
Last night was... I don't know. I still hurt in really weird ways, but I feel kind of okay, too. I woke up early and Otis, Dakota, and Theo were all still passed out. Nothing happened, seriously. Like maybe some cuddling. Or if Dakota and Otis fucked around I totally wasn't conscious for it, but it doesn't smell like they did. I feel like shit mostly because everyone was worried about me... Note to self, whatever the hell pot Kota gave me does not mix well with an eightball of coke and a bottle of vodka. I think I remember Otis and Theo getting especially upset and talking about getting me off everything... I don't know. I mean except for the nose-bleeds and whatever othe weird shit that happens, mostly it works. I don't know. I just... I hate feeling like the basement is the only safe place in the world.
Otis wants to get Theo laid. He probably needs it, I don't know. I've never actually seen him bring a girl or a guy home before. I'm sure he's not a virgin. Like pretty damn positive. I always feel like if I can get laid anyone should be able to. I don't even really try... seems like shit just sort of happens. Everyone wants sex. Theo probably has higher standards than I do though, and I'm kind of always fucked out of my mind on chemical substances so maybe my way of doing things really shouldn't be used by anyone else. Maybe I do need to try this getting clean thing... Theo's been looking after me since we were kids. He probably always will, even if I don't need it. But he shouldn't have to worry about me all the time.
I'm kind of scared, too. Milo is going to find out, of course he is. I don't want anything bad to happen.
I don't want to talk about the full moon so I'm going to put pictures of our house here.
I mean, it's not a huge house. There it is! But it's way better than the studio apartment the two of us were crammed into when I first got here. Yeah, that's our shitty car too. Sweet, right?
That's Theo's room, all clean and coordinated. It actually doesn't look like this right now, I think I took this when we first moved in and got settled. It's not that big but like it's the only room upstairs? The rest of it is attic. It's weird.
This is Theo's fucking bathroom - I know, right? It's kind of awesome even if it is tiny as fuck. And he gets it to himself, which is cool. Mine is upstairs and I'll put in a picture of that in a second, since it is also tiny.
Not nearly as cool, right? Whatever, it serves its purpose. There's a bedroom on the first floor but I don't use it. I guess maybe Kota or someone might move in? I don't know, we figured Otis could use it whenever he wants to crash. Also not huge but nothing in the house is.
Then there's the living room, which doesn't quite look like this anymore since we put a TV in there.
I guess this brings us to the basement, where I exist. I'm not taking a picture of it now, fuck no, but I've got some from when we first moved in and hadn't unpacked or anything.
Oh yeah and the freaking kitchen is like my favorite room in the house because it looks awesome. Again, it doesn't look this damn uncluttered anymore but whatever, Theo keeps it fucking immaculate.
So yeah, that's mostly our house. I'm going back to bed now, in my awesome cave of a room.
So Dakota fucked Theo and Otis fucked her and I watched. It was weird, but probably not the weirdest thing I've ever seen. I mean, no one was covered in blue paint and started whistling, so, Smurf porn is still the top-ranking wtf sex moment of my life. I think.
Theo seems pretty messed up about it and I'm kinda worried about him, but I guess he'll be okay. I'm still really positive he wasn't a virgin before she sat on him, but yeah. I'm almost sure Otis was probably his first guy kiss, and if it wasn't then I'm still pretty sure my brother's got one cherry left. I don't know, it's probably weird to speculate about Theo's sex life but for whatever reason I'm intensely curious about it. Maybe it's a brother thing. Or a me thing. I'm probably just weird, it would not be the first time someone said so. I don't even know if he's gay or straight or pansexual like me. I really doubt it's the latter.
Dakota is living with us now, which is hopefully not going to be weird. She and I have to share a bathroom. Hopefully this will not suck.
Had band practice earlier today, figured we both needed to get out of the house, and we have a show on Thursday or something, I think, and we have some new songs. One is so far my favorite ever, we'll see how long that lasts. I think I've spent the last four hours on Wikipedia. The sad thing is I would probably fucking read encyclopedias. I meant to just look up something about gazelles and it turned into random browsing. Even stopped mid-drawing, hopefully I'll remember where I was going with that one but it isn't really a big deal if I don't.
Random Theo smile sighting. This was a few months back in Jersey, party at a friend's house or something like that. I don't really know what he was doing or who he was talking to, just that he smiled so I snapped a picture. I kind of hope like... someday the world has more Theo smiles. He's so intense all the time. I mean, he'll smile down in the basement with me where it is apparently safe, and he'll flash them now and then but yeah.
Cleaned out most of my stash today. I mean, it's all still in the house as far as I know, it's just not squirreled away in my room like it used to be. Theo's got the coke, the liquor's all upstairs. Had a little hit earlier to keep from feeling too sick. This is going to suck so fucking hard if I do a real detox. I mean, I don't know. Maybe I can do this performing thing without it, but I've been using it so long it's a habit and I'm used to it and I'm probably going to miss it if I quit. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll suddenly suck at everything. Guess we'll find out. Or maybe we won't.
I feel like shit. In fact, I might show up out in the swamp and just ask Milo to fucking kill me or something. Jess came over and said she'd help me out through this but I kind of fucking feeling like I should just be sick.
Holy fuck I feel like I'm dying. And the fucking bugs in my skin are driving me insane, I want to rip it off to take them out and I KNOW they're not really there, just... ugh. I feel like utter shit. So I'm going to get all nostalgic for the good times.
This is me and Theo in high school. I have no idea what the fuck he was doing with his hair back then, I'm not even gonna try to defend it.
Think that's high school too since Theo's wearing glasses. Probably at a party, and I'm probably already drunk. And in this next picture? That is TOTALLY a cigarette... totally.
This was maybe a year ago in winter. I know I had to still be at art school, since I think that was the last time I had my hair that short.
Now I'm just depressed. No more nostalgia. I'm going back to bed. Kota changed my sheets. FML.
-- Edited by ALEX BLACK on Monday 28th of March 2011 09:45:45 PM
-- Edited by ALEX BLACK on Monday 28th of March 2011 09:46:25 PM
Yeah, we're weird, I know. I don't even know what we were looking at. And Theo has some awkward fucking knees. I think I'm gonna steal those boots... Or at least, you know, borrow them for a while. We kind of like share clothes all the freaking time.
Theo's AWESOME skeleton shirt. I fucking looooove it. So I wear it on stage!
Anyway, like, I met some really cool people. I've seen Lou before, she's an artist. Oh shit we ran into each other the other night and I was all sprawled on a park bench and so she sketched me, right? That's fine, I used to model for classes for extra cash when I was going to art school. But apparently she's going to put the image on a bike, like, a motorcycle. How awesome is that? I think that made my life. She's talking about doing one of Theo, too. I'm gonna bring him to visit her shop sometime soon, maybe with the rest of the band. I have her number, so yeah.
And I met this girl called Karma. I have sketches of her hair, it's awesome. We met in this bar I like. She's a rat, she knows Milo and all so I hope I see her again.
I have a bunch of ideas for stuff, I started writing a few new songs. I'm glad Theo hired more people so we don't pull twelve hour shifts anymore, gives us more time to do band stuff with the rest of the Killjoys, and you know, have lives outside of Skin Deep. It's great.
-- Edited by ALEX BLACK on Tuesday 12th of April 2011 10:53:24 PM
Last night was pretty awesome, we had another guerilla show, this time in the park by the riverside. Not too far away from the quarter. We've been keeping our faces covered just in case, but it's not like no one knows who we are. I always announce the band name. Lou came, and she brought Ramsey. He's pretty okay for a leech I guess. Lou started sketching away when he got here, I kind of really want to see what she was working on. We had to bolt 'cause it was a Friday night near the Quarter and the cops came around. Probably arresting drunks but you know they were gona find out real quick we didn't have a permit or shit to be playing. So, fire drill style, we packed up our shit and hauled off. It was fucking beautiful.
A couple days ago me and Theo went to Lou's bike shop and I got to see the stuff she's working on putting me on and my mind is still blown. So awesome. She did a sketch of Theo though, he's such a bad model it's not even funny, except it is. And I know him well enough that I figured out a couple ways to keep him still without looking unnatural when Lou told him to keep a pose. I showed him one of the songs I'd been working on, I guess Lou wanted his 'intense face'. My brother is awesome.
This is from our show the other night. Theo has some awkward fucking knees, I don't know how he stands upright half the time. The show was awesome, they usually are though. This might have been the biggest stage we've played on. The venue wasn't huge, but the stage was awesome.
We met this guy Gellar the other night. Apparently we've met him before, a couple months ago at the same strip club we met Milo at. I don't remember a lot of that night, probably for my own good. Anyway, he's opening this awesome place except he can't yet because I guess his crew is MIA? So he's gonna let us use it for some shows as long as we don't trash it. Still waiting to hear if Otis has any friends that'll work for booze or something like that, I don't think we could actually afford to pay them. I'd say we could just see how it goes but some of our shows get pretty wild and I don't want to trash this guy's place.
He's going to pay me to do a mural, too. I don't think I've been paid for my original art... ever? Not really anyway, not even after graduating art school. I guess my job as an illustrator counts, but somehow that doesn't seem like it's the same. Doesn't matter, the point is, I'm getting paid for this. Theo says I'm not getting paid enough, but since Gellar is letting us use his place and letting us keep door profits, I feel like I can't bitch too much about the wall thing. Besides, it'll be fun. The guy also offered me a job in his kitchen or something and I might just take it. I can't handle the needles anymore, that shit has always freaked me out.
Me and Theo found this AMAZING pizza place. Why is it amazing? It makes fucking meta-pizza.
For all you that don't know, that is pizza ON OUR PIZZA. Fuck. My mind is blown.
Well, the rapture didn't happen. My hair is black again, now the roots won't show and I can just do whatever. I'll probably dye it again. I'm like that.
See? It's black. Anyway, we're playing this gig tonight, a spa opening for Jenna. Oh... yeah, I guess I haven't said anything about Jenna. She's this tiger that... I don't even know. I can barel comprehend what's going on with her since it's kind of happened really fucking fast, you know? I mean, we met her in a bar, then she came to one of our shows, then the next thing I know I'm in the woods at her house and she's like riding my face. Which is cool, I mean, I'm not exactly upset about it. It's just... intense, I guess. I barely know her, but like... she seems really into me and I feel a little worried sometimes, I guess. I mean I don't want to hurt her or anything, you know? I'm trying not to think too hard about it right now, there's other stuff going on. Besides, I'm kind of like "the other guy" even if she says I'm not. She's with this guy, Kaikou. He's a fox, pretty cool. Geeked out a little that 1) kitsunes are reall and 2) I met one.
Haven't seen Otis or Milo in a while... I guess it kind of bothers me. And I miss Karma, I was thinking about her a lot the other day. I don't know, I just felt kind of... Whatever. I hope she comes back some day, that's all. She was pretty cool.
I don't know. I guess I'm feeling lonely, which is weird, because I haven't exactly been spending a lot of time alone. Think I'm gonna go see Frank. He'll snap me out of this shit. We've got a show to do tonight.
Ever get an urge to grab a mic and scream in it until you can't anymore? Yeah, me too. Except I can get away with it because I'm in a band and it works out pretty awesome for me.
So last night was our last show at Betwixt and Between 'cause, you know, it's gonna open as a restaurant soon but Geller said something about us being able to use it maybe once a week or something and that would be kind of fucking great. Everyone came last night, it was a seriously amazing show. Milo stole my fucking mic though and if it had been anyone else I would've broken their teeth, but it was him so yeah. We sang Queen, it was fucking awesome even if he was all Humpy McGee about it. I mean, shit, it's not like I'm all chaste on stage, I'm pretty sure I have illegitimate monitor babies out there somewhere.
Someone took some pretty cool pictures, including one of Frank being fucking insane. I don't know how he plays through some of the shit he does, seriously.
We gayed it up some but what the hell else is new?
There's Theo looking awesome.
Anyway, yeah. It was really great. And Milo and Otis are back and I'm feeling kind of okay about life for the time being. I think. Yeah. I'm gonna go back to sleep now then go do other stuff.
I think... I think I'm gonna do something. And I'm gonna see if the band is with it. I'm writing a lot. It doesn't all make sense, and sometimes it fucking scares me, but there it is... it's all there. Like... like I'm ripping myself open. No, like going into surgery without anaesthesia. Like you're awake for the whole thing, and just watching it. These things come out and I'm just like "God that's disgusting" or "fuck I didn't even know that was there" or "I'm really fucking ugly on the inside."
Really fucking ugly.
I feel so fucking sick lately. I know it's coming off of all this shit and I know that part of it is just wanting it so bad. But there's nothing around, and even if there was I couldn't get it. Milo's got the house pretty clean, and I guess all the dealers from here to Baton Rouge know who I am and not to sell to me, so... whatever. I mean, it had to happen this way. I know it did. I've never been able to do anything the easy way, so this is for the best. At least I know it about myself.
Milo's gonna help me with this whole... being a rat thing. Hopefully it helps. I mean, I've been ignoring it for the last ten years so I guess if I'm gonna get clean it's about time I ifgure out how to deal with it and everything that went down in the rodere I was in back in New Jersey.
Sometimes I just want to stop. Not die, but stop. I don't want to deal with it and I don't want to look at it and I don't want to acknowledge all this shit is there.
I can't fucking sleep here. I cant' sleep anywhere. It's not so bad in the rat piles, at least it hasn't been yet, but I've been having like... night terrors. Not nightmares, but fucking terrors. Like sleeping panic attacks or something. I don't know if anyone's noticed yet, I kind of hope not. Theo knows but I told him not to tell anyone. Is it still a night terror if it happens in the afternoon?
Shit.
Shut your eyes and kiss me goodbye. Just sleep.
The hardest part is the awful things I've seen. Just sleep.
I can't... I can't fucking doing this. I can't. Fucking. Do this. Holy shit my stomach is like crawling out of my throat and I can't even.. I can't..
I just keep screaming, and screaming and screaming and screaming and I can't anymore and I need to, I just need to. I want to be better I want to be okay and it's just not... it's not working. I keep feeling like maybe people liked me better when I was fucked up.
Jenna doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I thought we were friends, but I guess.. I guess she doesn't want to be anymore. I don't know what changed except that she doesn't want to fuck around and I'm getting sober. Trying.
Uhm, I was totally going to write about other stuff.
Oh yeah, we were in Baton Rouge for a music festival there, played every day for 3 days straight and then drove back, and we fucking heard ourselves on the radio and flipped the fuck out. Frank was bouncing all over the fucking van and singing along, it was awesome.
The music fest was pretty fucking awesome too, except for Monday's show when we got bottled. Motherfuckers. We just threw that shit back at them. They can kiss my faggot ass.
That one, right fucking there. Did I mention it was really fucking hot out there? Jesus Christ. Me and Theo kind of ended up getting tanned.
Here's Frank before our set started, hanging out in front of the fan. It was probably the best place to be, and that one was pointed at the drum set so we didn't get much after we actually started playing. This was... I think Monday, before the bottles started fucking flying.
And then this picture is after I found a place selling frozen coffee... so fucking happy. Even if someone (Frank) did bleach the back of my head... motherfucker.
Maybe you're wondering, diary, why people bottled us. I'm sure there were plenty of fucking reasons, most of them involving those guys being douche bags, but I'm also pretty sure it involved the shit we did Sunday night's show. Like this:
Yeah there was a lot of that going on.
And some of that. That's from Tuesday.
And there's Theo rocking out. Pretty fucking awesome festival. Bottles and all. I started wearing a flak vest on stage.
Don't we look fucking professional?? No lie, Frank tied everyone's tie, because we all fucking fail at it. He does mine all the time. Theo didn't even wear one and for whatever reason he decided to wear his glasses, even if he doesn't need them. Anyway yeah, we had this taken earlier this week and I'm pretty fucking stoked with it.
Lots of shit is going on. Brooklyn and Krys are new to the house, to the Rodere. Krys is pretty cool but Brooklyn and I butt heads like sheep. I guess it's mostly misunderstanding? I dunno, I thought shit was fine between us but the other day she wanted to have like... a screaming contest? And I didn't really feel like singing or screaming so I just kinda laughed a little and said she'd have to come to a show if she wanted to see me do it. She called me a prick and an asshole and all and I went off. I mean, fine, whatever, she was bummed out that I didn't want to play the game but seriously? She didn't need to go off like that.
Those are from a show a couple nights ago. Apparently someone really wanted to take pictures of my crotch?? I guess I was kind of grabbing it a lot. It was a good gig, and we had fun afterward. How much fun, you ask? So much fucking fun we covered Toro with pizza.
It must've been nice and warm under there... actually, I totally would fucking sleep under a bunch of pizza boxes. Shit. I wanna know who the fuck started eating one from the crust in. Wtf? That's not how you eat a fucking pizza.
