Is it wrong that at this age I still have the huge temptation to read my brother's diary? Probably. You'd think I'd grow out of shit like that. You'd think I'd grow out of a lot of things.
Shit.
Alex moved down here with me a month or two ago. Between the two of us and the earnings from the shop, we've managed ot buy a house. It's not huge, and it's not exactly pretty? But it's something better than the tiny fucking apartment we'd been living in. At least here we don't have to cram onto a twin mattress together.
He's still doing coke, though not as heavy as he was back in Newark. I don't know if it's better or worse, but whatever, somehow he manages to function. For the most part he saves it for serious public outtings. He'll do an eight-ball before the shows our band plays. I don't know how he fucking does it, but he thinks it's the only thing that makes it possible to perform. Goddamnit, I've already spent half this thing talking about my little brother. He's pretty much my fucking life right now though, other than work and the band. And... well. I work with him, and we're in the band together. There's kind of no avoiding it.
Things have been a little rocky lately. The other night, for whatever reason, I dragged him into a strip club for a drink after work. Ran into two real local rats I guess, one of them fucking huge. Like, gigantic. Biker guys, they think they're tough but what the hell ever. Apparently Alex and I are now Frik and Frak, but what else is new? Our parents call us that to this day. Where one is, the other usually isn't far. Anyway it was a weird-ass night, I'm pretty impressed Alex didn't fucking faint when a stripper did a table dance.
I don't really remember when his weird anxiety started. I mean, we were always at the bottom of the social totem pole, all through middle and high school. D and D, Magic the Gathering, yeah, we were all over that shit. We still kind of are, I mean, it's not like we changed over night. Other than the whole rat thing. No matter how scared he gets, I know he has my back. That's something at least.
I can hear him singing in the other room. We're working on a few more songs, our parts anyway. We'll work with the band tomorrow before going to the Masquarade thing. We have a gig coming up anyway, maybe we'll even invite Milo and Otis. I almost wonder if those are their real names. I swear I remember them from some movie we used to watch when we were kids.
Anyway, time to wrap this shit up for a while. I'm sure life will stay interesting enough to keep writing about, at least for now.
We had a show in this tiny fucking bar-club-whatever and it was packed. Like in an ego-boosting kind of way. Alex, despite being fucked out of his head, was amazing. At least, until the end of the show he was. Even Otis showed up, which helped out since the crowd was really unruly and kept pressing toward the stage. I mean, that's normal I guess if they're excited but the bouncers weren't doing much to help. Anyway, the show fucking rocked.
Then Alex tanked.
It happened at the bar and he went downhill kind of fast after getting off stage. I actually... I had to ask Otis for help. I don't know if I can do this on my own anymore, especially since lately he seems to be getting worse. I don't know. We managed to get Alex home, Dakota came along. I didn't even fucking care anymore. Alex threw up outside, but it was mostly the vodka he'd had to drink since he hadn't really eaten since then, I guess. It was miserable, I just put him in the shower and sat with him for a while. Otis came in, talking about how pissed Milo would be. Great. Fucking awesome. Yeah I know this is partially my fault but I can't watch Alex all the time. He's not a little kid anymore, even if he does the stupidest shit sometimes.
Dakota made soup or something for Alex and eventually we hauled him downstairs to his nest where he got fed and coddled. Otis thinks I need to get laid, what the fuck ever. I don't even know how Alex does it, his basement cave is like a temple to all things geek. Completely unrepentant. I mean, we're not all that different. I just keep my comics and Magic cards in boxes under the bed.
I don't know how Alex does it. Sex just kind of falls in his lap, or he falls into it. He planted a kiss on Dakota last night and I'm sorry to say it looked good. I mean, that I noticed my brother is a deceptively good kisser. I'd write down the story of his first kiss here but I really don't want to end up in Hell, so I won't.
It's too early in the morning, and I still need a shower.
Sometimes I don't even know where to fucking start.
Had a threesome with Otis and Dakota, I guess that's as good a place as any. Maybe it was technically a foursome since Alex watched. I can't even... I mean, I don't know how to even address that part so I'm just going to avoid the covert incest aspect for now.
It was unexpected. I mean, it was good and all. Alex would fucking rag on me right now if he knew the music I'm listening to, but he's down in the basement and I'm up in the attic. Dakota's downstairs somewhere, she's moving in with us I guess. She and Otis have a thing, I mean it seems like they do, or they're developing one... Whatever. I don't fucking know anymore. I had to talk her back inside when she left last night, feelings hurt apparently. And yes, I had to. Otis sort of compelled me to go the fuck after her, which pisses me the fuck off. He can take care of his own shit. But whatever, I talked her back inside and we kind of talked for a while after Otis went downstairs with Alex. I guess... She said she likes me, but I barely know this woman. And yeah we just had sex and all but at this point I'm not even sure what that means.
Shit.
Maybe Alex is right and I think too much about things. But Dakota seemed pretty hurt over the idea that I might have seen what happened as just a hook up... But it kind of came off that way. I mean we smoked up and that probably helped get my pants off but I don't even really know how I feel about her or anything lately. Things seemed complicated before all this. I'm not sure how to handle anything else. Nevermind everything that's coming to mind after making out with a guy. I don't even know anymore. Maybe Alex is right and I'm just a-sexual and should fucking stay that way. Things are less complicated when it's just me and my hand on a Saturday night or whatever.
A meeting with Milo still looms on the horizon, I don't even really want to think about it. Cleaned out Alex's stash earlier today. I might not have it all but I've managed to fill the liquor cabinet with what he had down there. No idea what to do with the coke. I could probably sell it but I don't really want to step on any local toes. For now it's up here with me, locked away. Alex could probably find it if he got desperate but I'm hoping it won't come to that, that he's serious about this getting clean thing. Otis seems to think that as long as he cuts back his habit he'll be fine. I can't help but feel like he's gotta detox. I don't know... I've been protecting him and his habit so long maybe I don't have a good place to judge it from anymore.
I still think about the night of the masquarade thing. I really shouldn't.
I think we're going to dye Alex's hair back to black. He doesn't have the patience to just let it grow out again and cut it. He'll probably change his mind tomorrow. Maybe I'll go down and watch a movie with him or something.
Okay, I'm putting this here in my journal so I don't fucking forget to make goddamn flyers or whatever later.
See him? That's my brother. He works really fucking hard and he's a goddamn genius EVEN when he's coked out of his head. He is smarter than you will ever be. He is the drive that keeps our band going, he's made EVERYTHING to do with it: the songs, helped direct the music, and he puts his fucking soul on stage every time we go up. So the next person to throw a fucking beer bottle, or cup, or make some fucking comment is going to wake up in the goddamn hospital if the wake up at all. Got it? Good. Now be-fucking-have your goddamn selves or stay the fuck out of our shows. We don't need YOUR shit, we have enough of our own.
Okay, that's done.
Life's been... life, I guess. No major melt downs in the house, not really anyway. Alex is back to coasting along like he has for a while, I guess. At home he's usually pretty sober. Kota seems to be settling in, even if she did show up in my room high off her ass last night. I really need to put a sign on the door or something warning people not to surprise me when I'm sleeping. Ever since Baltimore I usually sleep armed and I can aim pretty fucking well without taking my head off the pillow, so. Yeah, don't fucking surprise me when I'm sleeping.
Anyway, she survived the encounter. Apparently her boss or friend or whatever gave her some Molly and then like... left her at a club or something. Some fucking people. I'd probably punch him in the head if I knew him. As it was it was kind of everything I could do not to get blatantly uncomfortable. Then again, I don't do subtle very well, either. SHe was just... touching my hair and my hands and kissing my fingers and yeah. I don't know. And she was in a towel, so I gave her pajamas. I wouldn't have cared if she spent the night with me but she was going to be covered up for it. I don't do naked. Maybe that makes me freaking weird but I just don't like hanging out naked. Even with the full moon I wait until the last second before stripping down.
She seemed vaguely upset but apparently this is a newfound talent of mine. She ended up going back down to her room, probably for the best. I really wouldn't have cared if she cuddled up or whatever, as long as I could go back to sleep. I've been really fucking tired lately, I'm glad we're hiring more people to run the shop. Twelve hour shifts on top of all this other shit is just too much. This gives us more time to work with the band, too.
And since I slept like shit last night and Remi's got the shop covered? My old man self is going to fucking bed. Probably.
-- Edited by THEO BLACK on Wednesday 6th of April 2011 09:11:22 PM
Practice has been murder lately. Alex has been feeling particularly driven and he's been acting vague, so it's been up to the rest of us to try and read his fucking mind. Not an easy feat, and he gets pissed off when he realizes no one else is following his train of thought or if we stare blankly at him and wait for him to make the loop again when he starts talking too fast. I know he's frustrated and scared, fuck all of us are. This thing might really be moving forward at a pace it hasn't been before.
We have a date in a studio to record a demo. We're paying for it, but it's still something we haven't done yet and we're all fucking perfectionists. None of us to the degree of Alex and Toro, though, so they've both been slave drivers. At least Toro is a coherent one.
Alex, meanwhile, has been tearing apart every song to make sure it's exactly how he wants it. I've known him all his life, so at least I'm used to it. It almost came to blows the other night, but I think everything's settled down. We all know he's scared. We all are. If we could actually get a label to pick us up... I can't even imagine it right now. I'm a little worried the pressure is going to get to him. He's so fucking brilliant and I think he's the only one that doesn't see it. At least, of the people that know him.
We've got a basement show tomorrow night, which is exactly what it sounds like. We're playing at someone's house party, like we used to in New Jersey. It's cool, we'l take any show we can get.
We'll figure this out, little brother. Just breathe.
